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Life feels very much in limbo of late for me.

lim·bo /ˈlimbō/ noun An uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition.

Many messages are coming my way and I sort through them wondering what is applicable to this phase of life. I am grateful for the input of friends, family, spirits, and strangers. Most importantly, I value to input of Dan as he walks along with me. And I hope for his peace as he struggles to know how best to help me, which he so desperately wants to do. This is not an easy process, this thing we call life.

Got this from another blog… but this is Angelique. Seems quite fitting.

I guess that’s what transition is… limbo. And it’s not all-consuming, though I find it often takes much of my day. I am more silent than ever but not finding myself silent enough. I’m considering a silent retreat. Or just putting duct tape on my mouth so I am forced to consider every thing I say fully before it is said. This is a difficult practice for me, silence. But it seems to be what is needed at present.

Perhaps it is my feeling that things are so hopeless, without resolution. Today, at Mom’s, the TV blares over and over about mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton. No action seems evident, though “thoughts and prayers” are getting quite the bashing as “not enough”. Indeed.

Yet I wonder often these days: What if the best thing I can do is to simply sit on my porch, immersed in a natural setting, sending love and praying for peace and enlightenment for us all?

I have been spending much time on the porch. And I struggle with the feeling that I am doing nothing when so much needs done. And then I remember, there is nothing to do… I wonder why I feel such need to DO.

I have been thinking that kindness is the best thing, yet find myself struggling to be kind in every moment. I find myself withholding kindness as I sit in pain of my own, feeling selfish for not giving some relief to another (usually Dan). Or sometimes I can say the words that are kind but not in a way that feels kind. Like I am spitting them out against my will. Inconsolability tends to make me quite difficult, bitter to those I love most, or at best, simply hard to reach.

So I continue to wrestle with the answers I am hoping to find. I continue to seek enlightenment in each day, proceeding as life seems to guide me, more letting life happen than making it happen, though I do make some plans. I continue to feel tremendous and often desperate sadness. I struggle to know how best to help relieve the troubles of the world… as if I am so powerful.

Be love. Be kindness. Be peace.

I continue to try to find my way on this path as best I can.