The Emperor… and his Clothes

Tags

COVID-19, Masks4All, Readiness, SARS-CoV-2

Once upon a time, I had a friend. Let’s call her Maggie. 

Maggie had a boyfriend.  Let’s call him DJ.

DJ had an ex-wife.  Let’s call her Donna.

One day, mutual friend Greg called and said, “I just saw DJ and Donna necking in his truck!  Don’t you think we should let Maggie know?”

So I called Maggie and shared with her what was shared with me.

Later, Maggie called me and said, “Everything is fine.  DJ explained it all to me.  There’s nothing to worry about.”

What did I learn?

People believe what they want to believe.

Kinda like the Emperor we have now, naked… though many still see and admire his fine adornment.

It’s hard to know the danger of the wolf at the door… if you refuse to acknowledge his teeth.

---

What did I do then? I basically told Maggie that, moving forward, DJ could be fucking someone on my front lawn and I wouldn’t bother to call her about it.

Why is this applicable now? Well, let’s just say I have gotten really tired of trying to convince anyone of the dangers of the SARS-CoV-2 virus. So, if you’re not wearing a mask in public as we work to prevent our healthcare workers from being overrun with COVID patients, then don’t be surprised if I give you a stink eye when I see you.

Though I’m guessing I will not likely have an opportunity for stink eyes for a while… Since we’re likely all gonna stay on lock-down a little while longer.

#MaskUpMotherfuckers

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Tags

being nice, communication, cooperation

Another interesting week on Lake Darling.  My return to town has been somewhat calming as life returns to what it was before all the travels, but the last few weeks of travel and amazement highlight the mundanity of the weeks back home.  It has been nice to catch up on some sleep, see Mom and Tom and the kitties, and get back to work at the bookstore.  Another weekend of work up at the Harn (another 4-day weekend) has increased my realization that the Harn is where I truly long to be.  There is a peace about this place.  As much as the hectic nature of our travel compares to a quieter life back in Alex, the Harn provides an even more peaceful place when compared to town life.  And it comes without the mundanity as there is always something to figure out at the Harn, something to build, or something to move… once again.  Life at the Harn is not so repetitive, outside of the moving things, but seemingly full of endless possibilities… for work!  It’s not an easier life. It is quite invigorating!  But it also offers less electronic distractions and a chance to slow down in many ways.

Many express concern to me as I discuss my upcoming transition to full-time Harn life noting how lonely I will be, how there aren’t enough activities and people to keep me entertained in the North Woods.  They lament that I will be “bored”.  But as much as there is quiet and solitude, there is a wood full of entertainment.  There are red squirrels chattering at me all day and coons twittering in the dark hours; an occasional deer caught off guard in the woods emitting a startled alien-like snort. There are bugs of all sorts scampering and frogs and toads jumping.  There are trees swaying and whispering as the winds rustle their leaves. Inside, there are boxes (many, many boxes) of books full of information and adventure to consume.  There is more time spent in porch sitting as we consume almost all our meals outside this time of year.  The cooking and cleaning take a bit more work with our limited resources and current need to carry water. There are also friends up here to visit and, yes, an occasional trip to town.  And coming home in the dark wondering if that was a bear you just heard keeps the heart pumping.  So, no, not boring at all!But will I be content moving out of civilization?  Interesting to contemplate considering what is currently happening in “civilization”.  There are endless battles in our world.

• People fighting for power and those in opposition who want more of the resources.
• There are those who want more development (often at taxpayer expense) and those who want to remain with the status quo.
• People of color that want equal rights to a public education and those who fear allowing them in the district will bring crime and violence. [Inspired by this past weekend’s This American Life – well worth the listen… http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/562/the-problem-we-all-live-with]
• Parents who fear for their daughters’ reputations and girls who want to express themselves. [Circumstances and hindsight will determine who is correct in their stance.]
• People who want HRC for President and those who want her in jail.
• People fighting for an oil pipeline to transport Bakkan oil and people standing for the purity of the water that a leaky pipeline would destroy.

Just to mention a few.

In the current political race, it seems there has been less civility than ever.  But, like crime, is civility actually at an all-time high apex?  Is it truly that we live in a world where people are more polite, more compassionate than ever? Is it just the non-stop, instantaneous possibility for information that makes it feel like there is so much more strife?  Or are we just being more open-minded, accepting everything as it is and allowing it to be in the open for all to see (and judge)?  This reminds me of a favorite saying of my husband Dan’s: How far can you open your mind before your brain falls out?

Is it that our media focuses on the drama, allowing people to be rude and outspoken, to dish out all sorts of outrageous nonsense in the name of entertainment, that we find it OK to be assholes?  Or have we always had this asinine behavior but now it’s just more in our spheres of consciousness?  Does that make it worse?  Or are we revealing it, thus increasing awareness and hopefully causing many to realize this is NOT the way we want to live?  Is this free-for-all of rudeness bringing about a transformation to peace?

I believe that self-awareness and mindfulness make us more aware of incivility, especially our own.  And, in awareness is the awakening to the non-productive and negative aspects of uncivil behavior. Our awareness is the first step to making a change in our own lives to improve how we interact.  We can each take steps, once aware, to treat the other with compassion and love rather than hatred and intolerance.  As a believer in Karma and the Three-Fold Law, I find that what I give out comes back and in knowing that I want compassion and love, I know that is what I need to give.  I am not perfect in living this but I feel I am making progress in being less antagonistic. [Danny may occasionally disagree!]

And I do believe that the more open-minded we are, the less judgmental we tend to be, the more accepting and tolerant and thus, the more civil.  Being open-minded involves some level of awareness that we just don’t know it all.  An ability to say, “I don’t know” is a good start to having an ability to be civil.  It is in knowing for sure, with complete certainty, that we do not allow the other to have his space for a difference in opinion.

Civility is claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process.

~Tomas Spath and Cassandra Dahnke, Founders, Institute for Civility in Government

From the Institute for Civility in Government website:  Civility is about more than just politeness, although politeness is a necessary first step. It is about disagreeing without disrespect, seeking common ground as a starting point for dialogue about differences, listening past one’s preconceptions, and teaching others to do the same. Civility is the hard work of staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and fierce disagreements. It is political in the sense that it is a necessary prerequisite for civic action. But it is political, too, in the sense that it is about negotiating interpersonal power such that everyone’s voice is heard, and nobody’s is ignored.

And civility begins with us.

 

http://www.instituteforcivility.org/who-we-are/what-is-civility/

Some friends of mine recently got together to discuss Civility and one of the quotes was a proverb: A civil question deserves a civil answer.  I agree.  I think we learn much when we come together to discuss ideas, as long as we have a respect for each other’s ideas, especially when they differ from our own.  The U-Group where Dan and I participate is a wonderful opportunity for this kind of sharing.  We sit with friends, read ideas/quotes on a topic, contemplate these ideas in silence, and then discuss them with a single person holding the floor while the others listen intently.  This space is sacred in that it is full of love and acceptance for all the ideas and words shared.  It is a place where each of us can develop a new understanding within the self.

However, I think often these days many of us are not asking civil questions but questions that provoke, questions that give us an opportunity to expound on our own opinions without any true curiosity regarding any possible difference of opinion.  One of my favorite sayings is that the goal of any argument should not be success but understanding.  It seems many of us are too focused on success and reassuring ourselves that we are right, than in trying to dig deeper into an issue to find a bigger understanding.  I am learning more as I age that it is better to listen to others than to share in conversation because I then gain more information than I already had.  And often, my opinion is nonessential.  I find also that, even when people ask for my thoughts, sometimes there isn’t truly an openness to hear them.  I’m pretty blunt at times so perhaps it is just that I dish it out a little too strongly!  But I do find that people are often open to me, in sharing and listening, I think because I tend to be relatively non-judgmental.

In this day, it seems many are quick to judge and condemn. This is discussed in-depth in a recent book So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson.  Ronson delivers a good read about the way public shaming has come back to life (think Twitter remarks and FB posts) and, like the whipping post of the past, has resulted in much undeserved punishment.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pillory He tells a few compelling stories of those who have been quite publicly shamed that give insight for consideration.  His stories are based on talking with these individuals and it’s interesting to hear the different responses to the shaming experience.  We see it all the time on FB – quick responses on posts, condemning or criticizing the ideas or actions of others.  But who are we to jump on another for some slight failing?  Are we not all human?  Do we not all fail in small ways each day?  Can we not have a bit more compassion for the fact that we’re all doing our best, or at least trying?  Sure there is an occasional outright attempt to be shocking or rude.  But doesn’t this behavior indicate a real suffering that perhaps may need attention?  Perhaps we should keep in mind that each of us is dealing with our own personal struggles every day and sometimes these struggles do not allow us to perform at our best.  When encountering someone being uncivil, sometimes a reflection on what horrors they may be facing helps me have compassion even with the most angry, abusive, or combatant of foes.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/camelswithhammers/2013/02/the-camels-with-hammers-civility-pledge/  Found this to be an interesting read on the subject.

I find that I am the most impolite when I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (HALT). Years ago in recovery, I learned about the HALT methodology to check myself for balance to realize where I might need to adjust.  It is a good personal check-in to determine when I may be not taking care of myself which, in turn, means I am also more likely to be taking things out on those around me.  I also need to take care when I am feeling fear or stress, which also inhibit my ability to keep a clear mind.

Inner civility is another space for contemplation.  How civil am I to ME?  Is it possible that my level of inner civility drives what I am capable of with others?  Does that give me a small pause in considering the impolite person?  Is he, in his inner dialogue, completely inhumane to himself as well?  How hellish a life must that be?  Perhaps I can have a moment of compassion for him.

My Youtube channel recently had some comments going back and forth.  The video was of the DAPL Protest site in Cannon Ball, ND.  It was a video I took on arrival at the site as I was transfixed by the power of song and dance being used in the non-violent action.  The argument in the comments was ridiculous nonsense with one commenting that the music and dance were horrible and the other pushing back against the pro-oil stance of the initial commenter. Both were disrespectful and immature.  As I contemplated this later, and thought back to my own experience of “being the asshole”, I realized this: The path of incivility is an easy downward slope, but when you later realize that we are all human and deserving of respect, it’s often a long, painful trudge back from the valley.

The Community Ed movie this week was Tangerines, presented by Ken Howell who reminded us to not confuse this movie with Tangerine (a story about a transgender sex worker who finds that her boyfriend/pimp is cheating on her).  The movie, followed by discussion, was a beautiful opportunity to reflect on the nature of war and human civility.  In this film about war-torn Georgia, a scuffle results in two soldiers sharing a small house together with a local man, Ivo, as they recover from their battle wounds.  One soldier is Georgian and the other Chechenian.  Enemies in the fight.  Both had lost comrades from their side.  And during their recovery, groups of soldiers show up to visit Ivo’s house, with interesting outcomes. The personal interactions are beautiful and heartening though left somewhat open for interpretation (like all good art films).  My take-away from the movie was that, if we could all just enjoy a meal together, we’d find our common humanity and some level of civility with each other that would end all war and conflict. If we could all just stay in the moment, simply and quietly enjoying common ideas… that we need love, that we can serve each other, that we all want a better world for our children… we could find peace.  I urge you to put this film on your To Watch List as the characters are well played and the story well told.  It also will give you a look at what Harn life is like – the similarities were striking at times… a simple life of tea and soup, woodstove and woods.

I’m looking forward to that life.

Rec Lab 2016 Part 2

Tags

cooperation, Volunteering

What a week!!  Rec Lab 2016 was as much fun as last year – maybe more.  Where to even begin covering all the creativity, laughs, hugs, projects… well, at the beginning, I guess.

Thursday afternoon Dan & I arrived just in time for me to participate in the Instructors’ Craft Walk. Since many of us are presenting our workshop info for the Rec Lab participants on the Friday morning Craft Walk, this is a chance for us to walk through all the projects together and explain our workshops to each other.  It was neat to see the variety of activities from Making Tamales & Canning Basics, to Polymer Clay & Stained Glass, to Leatherworking & Woodworking, to Coffee & Conversation and Book Group, to Tai Chi Chih & Yoga, to Magic & Jugging, to Creative Writing & Instrument Making, to Blue Jean Weaving & Rec Doodle, to Dancing, Singing, and Nature Walks.  There are always too many options and not enough time to do it all, though some try.  I learned this year to commit to a few tasks and incorporate a few smaller things and I found myself quite happy with the output for 2016.  Dan was only there for the weekend but he made a belt and a stained glass piece while also taking lots of time for walking the grounds and getting some great photos.  Here are a few of my favorites.

When I asked him what he liked best about Rec Lab, he said, “the people”, and he took lots of time to chat with a wide range of the participants.  I would have to agree that, as much as I love the techniques and projects, the people are what make Rec Lab truly wonderful and memorable.

While I didn’t make as many projects as last year, I made a few great things: a belt, some Rec Doodles, many polymer clay pieces, tamales, and a few new friends.

I tried Tai Chi Chih again this year and quickly remembered why I didn’t pursue it last year… it’s really tough on my knees.  I perhaps needed to not push so hard but I decided it was too early in the AM to make it past one time, when I found myself up to midnight-2AM every night.  I would have gotten up for yoga but it wasn’t available in the AM this year instead being a workshop session.  Hopefully that will change next year and I can make more sessions.

My main focus this year was Polymer Clay and I jumped in the first workshop session with gusto.  Instructor Laura Burlis is one of my favorite people at Rec Lab; she is amazingly talented.  This year I believe I finally got into the P/C groove as I made some great canes (rolls of clay that you cut into slices) and finished several fun projects with which I was quite happy.

By the second workshop of Rec Lab, I was again “Pulling a First Year” as I bounced between the Rec Doodle and Blue Jean Weaving workshops, trying to learn both techniques in one session.  It worked! Thank goodness they were next door to each other!  I was able to complete a few Doodles and convince myself that I actually WAS capable of the practice – though I do need LOTS more practice.  And while I didn’t make a rug, I was able to comprehend the teachings that Dianne Rowse shared.  As a 2^nd Year, she’s jumped right into the Rec Lab philosophy of sharing a technique and the rugs everyone made were terrific!

Each year at Rec Lab we have Fireside at the end of the night.  The first one was Rhoda sharing about the history of Rec Lab and it was accompanied by a wonderful video of Mary Lou Woodward playing her harp.

We lost Mary Lou this past year but her spirit lives on at Rec Lab and I was able to share with her daughter Marti what a wonderful impact she had on me during the 2015 Rec Lab.  Marti provided lots of beautiful music again this year as the musical Labbers are known to do.  It was nice to craft in the workshop while hearing lovely songs from up the stairs in Cross Fire.

The second Fireside was me!  I was accompanied by Nick & Dianne Rowse and Jerry Brown who played the Josephine Waltz to open and closed with Ashokan Farewell,both beautifully played.  My talk was on Atul Gawande’s book Being Mortal and its important message of improving the way we deal with agingand the end of life.  I followed up with a visualization I do with the Dying the Talk! class I facilitate for Community Ed where we imagine the last event we experienced around death.  It’s a quiet process of looking again at the experience we had and thinking about the good and not so good of it.  Many people thanked me as they found it to be a profound experience while a few expressed that they were unable to stay.  Death is difficult so I understand not being ready to walk through such a practice, depending on where you are with life & death.  But it was touching to know that one of the first people to come up to me had just lost a family member just weeks before and she processed through it so beautifully.  Some told me it brought them peace or a new perspective and I was glad that we had done it early in the week to give people time to process and share the meditation in a safe place surrounded by friends.  I was honored to listen as people shared their stories with me throughout the week.  And I was grateful that several asked me to include the meditation in the Notebook.

The 2016 Notebook (Paula DeReamer)

What’s the Notebook?  Every year, Rec Lab is documented with all the instructors providing handouts/info for reference once Lab is over.  It is also full of photos and documentation of some of the special events.  One downside is that, because it is provided during the Closing Show, nothing from that show is included.  And it’s the highlight of the week… but we’ll get to it in a moment.

The other Firesides were also terrific.  Lutz Jackel shared about his musical instruments, art and home in Germany noting how Rec Lab has transformed his life.  Jane & Hsien Hsin Chang shared about dealing with Dementia.  June Anderson talked about her books on ghosts and the Creative Writing participants shared some excellent work.  Lots of focus on the theme of Transformation.

A major focus of the week is our Discussion which was led this year by Dasha Kelly, an author and speaker from Milwaukee, WI.  Her husband, Kima Hamilton, was an integral part of the presentations and I was overwhelmed by the work they both did in bringing us interactive creativity by reading her work (Almost Crimson) and giving Rec Labbers a chance to react to it, teaching us about how we use words, walking us through looking at personal needs for change, helping us to evaluate racism, and knowledge to allow logic to evaluate our writing only after creativity has played its role.  Her wonderful lessons, full of tools and ideas, gave us all much to contemplate during the week.  I had a pivotal moment that gave me pause to consider a lifetime of experience and how I will move forward following this new comprehension.  Truly a beautiful transformative experience for me.

Mardi Gras night was our celebration evening and it was full of hilarious games.  Krista Hegland and Karen Jacobson really made the event rock.  Our team struggled with a couple of the events but we had a fantastic time playing!  Almost as much fun as the games was the diversity of creative costumes.

I had good attendance for my Saturday Book Group and even more people came for the Tuesday meeting.  We learned about a flurry of wonderful books.  [For those interested in books, you will find a listing of the books we discussed in next week’s blog.]  And I had a few show up for the workshop on How You Want to be Remembered.  While this was not truly a review of Obits/Epitaphs/Funeral Plans/Legacy Letters as planned, I believe if we did this as a 2-part workshop, it could be.  As it was, it became very much a typical Dying to Talk! session.  I enjoyed learning from everyone sharing their experiences and I hope others found it to be worth their time.

Another aspect of Rec Lab is the Auction.  Lots of participants bring items to auction.  Sometimes these are purchased items, sometimes things we’re ready to let go to another, some bring arts & crafts they’ve created and the most coveted things are often the homemade candies. We ended up spending a bit more than expected but we went home with lots of great items, including some of the homemade caramels!

There is Folk Dancing every evening at Rec Lab and, while I’m not a big participator in this, I did attend the Chair Dancing evening.  And, since we had a new instructor for dance this year, we chose this night of dancing as the one to use for the Closing Program.  More on that in a moment…

I spent most of my free time in Polymer Clay, but I found a free workshop period to spend with Danny making Tamales as BJ Hall shared her cooking skills with the group.  As an experienced restaurant owner, she not only gave us detailed instructions but she also spiced the session with her sarcastic wit. Making tamales is a lot of work but a simple process.  We made about 10 dozen in a little over an hour (the meat was already cooked).  I think it’s something we can do at home but it would be a major project… and certainly not as much fun without a gang of people.

Partway through the week, and after Dan had left, I had a minor medical issue with this growth I’ve been dealing with on my right shoulder.  I had showered being careful to not
get the bandage wet which was a mistake as it stuck to the wound causing it to break open when I tried to re-bandage it.  I tracked down one of the medically trained Rec Labbers and she was able to patch me up.  Unfortunately, the medical supplies were limited but an eye patch and some colorful duct tape gave my treatment the Rec Lab touch it needed.  I joked that my Psyche Nurse gave me a Psychedelic Bandage.  [Update – I’m having the alien removed today, before I head for Indiana.]

Closing Night is always a celebration of the week with a spoofing of some of the new instructors.  This year’s show was MC’d by Tina Rohde and Colleen Shaskin with lots of interweaving of Laura Burlis and it was fantastically hilarious!  The story was of a Mardi Gras float being built and it was made on a frame of Metal Clay painted with Rosemaling (both new classes this year). The entertainment for the float included the outdoor game of Wüdd (spoofing Krista’s Outdoor Games), presented by Sherry Bruckner as “quick, fun & easy” and played by the Florells (Paul and Judy playing as John and Sarah).  Sarah shared with me afterward that she’d been looking for her Capri pants and couldn’t find them.  When Judy jumped up to play Wüdd, Sarah was thinking, “Hey, that’s my headband.  Wait, that’s my shirt.  Those are my Capris!!”  Judy was totally decked out as Sarah and she and Paul impersonated the kids with flair ~ it was a total laugh riot.  Danny said he was out walking the day they played the game and it took forever.  They asked him to play but he declined, seeing the endlessness of the game.  The spoof wound through the show with the Florells coming up three times to show the game as taking from afternoon, through dinner and into total darkness. Krista was laughing out loud with the roast of her event.

Jenifer Burlis-Freilich and I demonstrated the Chair Dancing (taught by Caron Grantz Keljik) where we spoofed her single-armed instruction by presenting our instructor, Laura Burlis, with both hands tied up at opposite shoulders.  We did an outrageous stretch of the practice by having me lie on the floor under Jenny’s chair for a portion of the dance… a great place for “seniors to take a nap as needed during class”. 🙂 And we left the stage dancing with our Chair Dancing partners… our actual chairs.  So much fun!

The only group to get not one but TWO standing ovations was a duo with 180 years of experience.  Yes, 180.  One is 89 and the other 91 and combined, they made quite the pair, and definitely the best of the pre-parade entertainment!  Ladies and gentlemen… Rod Gist & Galen Cain.

Closing night always ends with an announcement of the new Boss (President of the Board) who will lead the development for the next Rec Lab and this year it will be June Fettig.  Newly elected Board members this year are Kathy Tapper (1-year term for Tea Time) and, for the 3-year terms: Sarah Florell, Colleen Shaskin, Laura Burlis and ME!  Should be a great team and I’m excited about what we’ll be doing.

Only 51 weeks to go until next year!  As a member of the Board, I’m sure those weeks will go faster than I will believe.

See y’all next year!

Holding on to the Dream

Tags

being nice, Bernie, communication, conservation, cooperation, dreaming, family, sustainability

I woke up one day last week to this Sailboat of Dawn and it brought a beautiful feeling that reminded me to stay on track sailing toward my dreams.

What is our biggest dream?

The Harn.  The work at the property is progressing with wood clearing and processing.  We had a little snafu with one woodpile.  It just didn’t look quite right after we’d stacked it. And as the weight of the pile sunk into the wet, thawing ground… it seemed to get worse.  Almost visibly changing before your eyes.

As we took a break on the porch (minutes after the above photo was taken – Danny says I shouldn’t have leaned on it, but I swear I didn’t!) and prepared for leaving for Easter dinner with some friends… we heard the crash and knew immediately it was our woodpile.  It was a wreck!

As remedy, we grabbed one of our newly scavenged pallets and re-stacked.  It was not fun having the do the work twice but it taught a valuable lesson on the importance of a good, level base and proper stacking.

Our next pile looked much better.

How do we hang onto our dreams?

We were recently talking with some friends who also are living a somewhat alternative lifestyle and we discussed how some people just can’t seem to cease criticizing.  Whether it’s family members, church folks, friends or general people you run across in town, everyone has an opinion.  And when you choose to live a life that is outside the mainstream, people often can’t comprehend and sometimes feel a need to explain to you why you are wrong.  It reminds me of the saying: “People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.”  Just because some people don’t comprehend your dream doesn’t mean it won’t come true.

We, and our friends, are watching our dreams unfold before us as we work towards them.  It may be in fits and starts, may take longer than we originally hoped, but materialize they do.  These dreams are nurtured with talking and drawing and doing, with imagining and believing and working.  We share our successes and advise against repeating our failures.  Actually, I like to refer to “failures” as “learning lessons”.  In each attempt, something new is learned, even if it does not bring the success or outcome originally intended.  Sometimes it brings an idea which never would have come.

Take, for example, our Rocket Mass Heater (RMH).  Last fall, we were disappointed that we didn’t get very far with our cob work (the mass surrounding the exhaust tubes).  We felt like we should have started the project earlier in the summer rather than waiting so late in the season.  But, what we realize this spring is that the exposed tubing heats the Harn pretty quickly once we fire the stove.  (We are losing a lot of heat through the chimney but it’s not the end of the world.)  Once all the mass is added, it will take much longer to heat our space because the mass soaks up the heat first.  Typically you don’t want to fire the RMH unless you have several days over which to enjoy it so a short weekend would make the fully massed RMH not as useful as is our partially completed RMH.  So we have learned that we will leave a portion of the tubing exposed for quicker heat up until such time as we are here on a more permanent basis.  (BTW, if you care to support a wonderful Kickstarter for an upcoming book on how to build your own RMH… click here https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/rmhbuildersguide/the-rocket-mass-heater-builders-guide?ref=nav_search to donate to our mentors’ {Ernie & Erica Wisner} project.  They are getting amazing feedback and we’ve been privy to some of the draft info.  These two are true masters and this will be a wonderful reference book for building an inexpensive heating system that also is gentle to our environment.  Even a $3 donation will be worth your while as I hear Ernie’s truffles are fantastic.)

So we ignore the naysayers, which is sometimes even us, to hang on to knowing we are progressing in the way that we are and believing this is the way it is intended.  Because it is the way it is.

Danny got me a wonderful gift reminder for Valentine’s Day and it’s come in quite handy over the last month or so as I’ve faced criticism.  It’s a card set based on The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  The Four Agreements are: 1) Be Impeccable In Your Word. 2) Don’t Take Things Personally. 3) Don’t Make Assumptions.  4) Always Do Your Best.  One of the most insightful cards I read recently was:

It helped me remember that what others think of me is often not based on ME but THEM.  In turn, I must realize that what I think of others is not about THEM but ME.  It gives much food for thought.  And today’s card I read as I took a photo of this one was also quite timely:

I feel like I’ve had to learn this one over and over again.

And what’s the big dream outside my span of control?

Bernie!!

Bernie is picking up momentum.  He’s won 5 of the last 6 states in a big way and the one he didn’t win, Arizona, had massive voting issues.  There’s no way of knowing what the difference would have been if people had been allowed to properly have their voices heard.  But it does reveal apparent efforts to have the voice of the people stifled.

Bernie has a good chance of continuing his strong gains as most of the upcoming contests show him favored to win. (Sketch credit: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Bernie-Sanders-545088750)

I am keeping my hope for him alive as I believe Bernie is our best chance for a happy future and our only hope to beat Trump.  If you have resources and gumption, please donate to his campaign and help push him to victory.  https://go.berniesanders.com/page/content/contribute

 

Fun things 2 Do in Alexandria

Tags

living local, local music

Well, after a big Bernie victory at Caucus this past Tuesday, I’m gonna take this week to talk not politics… but FUN.  A few weeks back a young couple came into the bookstore.  They were new to town and asked what kinds of things there were to do for fun in Alexandria.  I was a bit stumped.  What do I do?  Well, Pizza Night at the Depot was about as good as I had for them but they planted a seed and so here are some of the wonderful things that have come to mind since they did.

The first obvious fun thing to do in Alexandria, which should have come to mind as I manned the counter at Cherry Street Books, is Saturday morning Story Hour!!  Lee Becker does an wonderful job of interacting with the kids as they play games like parachute and hand clapping and rhyming.  The stories she chooses are always delightful (likely due to her past life as a children’s librarian) and there is usually a project for the kids to have some hands-on play.  It is so beautiful to see the parents having fun with their kids.  I am very happy to have had some recent Saturday work hours to experience Lee’s Story Hour.  She is marvelous.

I’m also super excited about the recent show at the Quad A – Over the River and Through the Woods.  What a fantastic cast, a beautiful story, terrific staging and wonderful laughs and tears.  This story will touch your heart and tickle your ribs.  Allen Alvig (Great Grandpa Frank) will steal your heart from his first words with an accent that never falters.  Ann Hermes is an adorable Jersey girl who dotes on her grandson Nick, played by Ty Blair. Randy Martin plays her husband, Nick’s Grandpa Nunzio, with flair.  (They aged Randy so tremendously with make-up so I didn’t even recognize him!)  The cast is rounded out with Great Gramma Aida (Cathy Snyder) who you just wish was your Gramma and super cool Caitlin (Brittany Wallerich) who may or may not break Nick’s heart.  I have seen lots of great shows at Quad A, Alexandria’s own “Broadway”, but this is one I left hoping that EVERYONE makes an effort to see.  Truly terrific.

This past weekend I saw my first ever Central Lakes Symphony Orchestra show, Symphony at the Cinema, and it was fabulous.  The music was strong, well-played and directed with pizazz.  This all-volunteer orchestra is outstanding.  Alexandria is lucky to have such a talented community.  Brad Lambrecht, the conductor, is quite entertaining.  I was especially impressed with the trumpet section and oboe during the Star Wars numbers and the flutes and piccolo (as an old flautist, perhaps I am biased), strings, and the bassoon throughout.  Kayla Noble was tremendous for the Titanic number.  In fact, the chorale addition to the orchestra was quite stunning.  We will return for the CLSO April 17^th show at Calvary Lutheran Church.  http://www.centrallakessymphony.org/  I also recommend Theatre L’Homme Dieu for shows in summer, but we’re a little ways from that at present. http://www.tlhd.org/  Be sure to come out for at least a couple shows this summer!  Now that we’re entertained, how about some food?

The Depot is probably our favorite for mid-week dinner and weekend nightlife.  They have great food – the pizza is the best in town for ready cooked, but I go to 2 Guyz for take-n-bake every time.  Just next door to our iconic landmark, Big Ole, and planted on the Central Lakes Trail, The Depot is a favorite spot for hikers and bikers in summer and snow mobilers in winter.  Pizza Night Monday is our favorite but Ribs on Sunday are super too ~ there are dinner specials every night of the week.  Happy hour runs 4-7 with half price drinks and appetizers – I always get the Potato Wedges.  Yum. http://depotalex.com/

Our other favorite eatery is Mi Mexico.  https://www.facebook.com/mi.mexico.58/  As a Celiac, I love the fact that I can eat almost anything on the menu without worry… I just have to avoid the quesadillas.  This is a regular stop for us and our favorite waiter is Ramon.  The waiters are friendly and the food is terrific.  About as good as it gets if you want something not bland (white Minnesota food).  We go to St. Cloud for real flavor when we have Thai or Indian cravings.

And believe it or not, I have finally found Travelers and I love it too!  I always avoided it thinking it would be comfort food, tasty food… a.k.a. full of gluten.  But my co-worker Lee and her husband Reed are regulars and asked us to join them one night when our friend Susan was in town. I had the special and they have a nice salad bar that came with that.  But since, I have had breakfast there (for dinner) and now I’m sold completely.  My friend Deb says they have the best molasses cookies but I favor the pie (which I can eat down to near the crust, making Dan happy to have a treat too).  http://www.travelersinncafe.com/

With full bellies, we’re ready for taking on lots of other fun things to do in Alex.  There is really so much.  If you’re a political or policy junkie, you might try the County Commissioner’s meeting, like I did last week.  I was happy to get a chance to speak out about a gigantic tax abatement proposal.  But most everyday citizens aren’t that excited about local government.  If you are excited about government and politics, get involved with your local party.  Here I am with Jay and Gail Kulp.  Gail is running for House District 8B and I encourage you to give her a look. http://www.gailkulp.com/

Something everyone can get excited about is Community Ed.  There are all kinds of programs and classes from which to choose and I really enjoy being an instructor.  From computers, to dance, to health, to cooking, to crafting, to writing/publishing, to, well, if you come teach it, then we’ll have it!  We attended the Star Gazing night a week ago and it was fabulous!  We got to see Jupiter, as well as two of my favorites, the Pleiades and the gaseous cloud in the Orion constellation where new stars are born. We identified Canis Major and Minor, Cassiopeia, Cepheus, Ursa Major (which contains the Big Dipper) and Minor (the Little Dipper), Leo, Gemini, and Auriga the Goat Farmer.  Mike Lynch did a terrific job keeping our telescopes focused and on target and keeping the crowd laughing.  It was a fun event and there might be a summer event too.  You won’t want to miss it!  Sign up for a class today: https://alexandria.thatscommunityed.com/courses/adult-2

Education can also be found at the U of MN Extension office.  4H is a big part of what they do but I recently signed up for the Let’s Get Growing seminar coming up on April 9^th.  Dan and I will be attending the workshops on Smart Design and Native Plants, among the many other choices: There’s Something about Spring (by my friend Paulette Friday), Trees & Shrubs, New Perennials, Rain Gardens, Preserving, A Year in the Life of a Vineyard, Attracting Butterflies, and more. http://www.dcmg.info/whatwedo.php

I also was happy to take advantage of the Winter Session of Senior College with Jay Sieling. We learned about computers, the internet and how to stay safe on both.  The Spring Session of Senior College kicks off Tuesday, March 8, 2016, 3:15 p.m. in the Office and Technology Building, Room 743 at Alexandria Technical & Community College with Getting the Long Term Care We Want presented by Dr. Robert Kane, MD.  The Spring lecture series is Tuesdays and Thursdays, March 15 – April 28. https://www.alextech.edu/business-community/senior-college

Also at ATCC this month is a travelling exhibit entitled Why Treaties Matter.  There are also two movies associated with the show: March 9: Dakota 38 (Room 209 at 6 pm) & March 23: Changing the Way We See Native Americans (Room 209 at Noon).  I hope to find time this week to stop by and explore.  https://www.alextech.edu/atcc-events/why-treaties-matter

For another kind of education, I also have become involved with a local networking group, Nature of the Soul.  http://natureofthesoul.weebly.com/  We meet monthly to hear a speaker, talk with new and old friends and share in a short meditation.  It is a great place to meet providers of alternative medicine and expand your awareness of the world in a place of positive energy.

The other groups I have joined are the local Book Clubs.  I was excited about Non-Fiction and started a Non-Fiction Book Club at Cherry Street Books and it’s been phenomenal.  We typically meet the 2nd Sunday of the month at 6:30 PM but we’ll have a second meeting this month (March 20th) as we’re thoroughly discussing and enjoying our current read, Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer.  She was recently on the Krista Tippett show On Being, in case you want to get a taste.  http://www.onbeing.org/program/robin-wall-kimmerer-the-intelligence-in-all-kinds-of-life/8446?utm_source=On+Being+Newsletter&utm_campaign=6fc67a66cc-20160227_kimmerer_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_1c66543c2f-6fc67a66cc-67178217&mc_cid=6fc67a66cc&mc_eid=52cb6c2321

And speaking of books, you’re always apt to find something of interest at the Douglas County Library.  The above photo is me with William Kent Kreuger for the Community Read 2016 (Ordinary Grace).  http://www.douglascountylibrary.org/  I am super pumped about their upcoming Edible Book Festival.  https://www.facebook.com/events/1789139994638136/  There will be prizes for entries of entirely edible entries inspired by books.  I don’t know if I will get an entry ready in time but it will be fun to see what everyone comes up with for this first annual event.

And if  you don’t like books, start your own group!  I have gotten a group of crafting ladies together for a monthly session making neat-o stuff.  If you like cars, meet your buddies and chat about engines.  If you like travel, form a travel club where everyone has a chance to show off their recent adventures via quarterly gatherings.  If you like animals, volunteer at the Humane Society with some friends to walk the dogs.  Better yet, adopt a new friend at Ellie’s Legacy Pet Rescue.  I did and Shirley is a real treat.  https://www.facebook.com/ellieslegacy/?fref=ts 

If you’re looking for some local music, try SAWA (Sixth Avenue Wine & Ale) on Thursdays (Al & Terry this week) and Saturdays (Paul Drinkwine on the 12^th).  Always a good time at SAWA.  http://www.sixthavenuewineandale.com/happenings.htm Once the weather breaks, we’ll be heading out to Carlos Creek Winery for the local faves like Josie or The Salty Dogs but until then, it looks like they are hosting Game Nights every Sunday from noon-5 PM.  http://www.carloscreekwinery.com/events/

I wish you all a fun week.  You’ve got no excuse to not have fun with all these great ideas.  And be sure to have a super weekend as well.  And how do you get ready for the weekend?  Try a Thursday evening with Yesternight on 92.3 KXRA.  Rexford Sweetwater and Randy Martin (him again? Yep, he’s everywhere!) will walk you through some classic tracks and well, here’s the spiel from their own website http://yesternightradio.com/: “Tune in Thursday nights for the Yesternight radio show. From 9 to midnight you’ll hear classic rock, heavy metal, new rock with a classic feel, and other oddities that are sure to please. Yesternight is designed to bring you the songs you miss and the songs that you didn’t even know you were missing!”  It’s awesome.

Quad A photo credit: https://www.facebook.com/alexandriaareaarts/photos/a.127811237240693.15704.127806853907798/1046615918693549/?type=3&theater

Differences

Tags

being nice, communication, cooperation

This week has been a week of looking at Differences.  The topic has come up several times as the Inclusion Network and Alexandria Technical and Community College present Created Equal: America’s Civil Rights Struggle Film & Discussion Series.  The first part of Abolitionists (a PBS Documentary series) was presented Thursday at Grand Arbor.  The remaining events will be held from 6-9 PM at Grand Arbor (4403 Pioneer Road SE in Alexandria, MN) on January 20^th, 21^st, 25^th & 28^th.

The Same or Different?

Watching the scenes from Abolitionists was disturbing, taking me back to the 1980’s when, as a college student, one of my elective classes focused on the PBS series Eyes on the Prize which reviewed the Civil Rights Struggle from 1954-1965. I remember being shocked that people in my own country, in the not so distant past, were capable of such acts against humanity.  I was embarrassed by what I saw.  I felt appalled to be white.  What could justify such inhumane treatment of people, simply due to the color of their skin which showed their “difference”?  Cruel. Hateful. Unbelievable.  And I was PISSED OFF that I never learned of any of this growing up as a child.  Why was no one talking about these atrocities?  How had I not been aware?

As events unfold on the news these days, many are wondering again at the atrocious treatment of people of color.  Black women dying in police custody, black men being shot in cold blood as they walk away from an officer, and the list goes on. And sadly, though many of us won’t believe it, things have been this way all along.  It’s just now, in a day of readily available technology, and an internet on which to spread this information, that we are able to learn about that in which we are not directly involved.  And we wonder why people of color are still angry. Hmmm.

Our discussion during the film study Thursday concluded in large part that the issue is not skin color or sex or age, though we all voiced examples of how each of these can create situations of difference.  The real issue is power in those who believe they are superior.  And it often comes down to who has the ability to enforce his place of power.  Men have long been able to overpower most women ~ it’s a matter of size.  Immigrants are often at disadvantage due to poverty, language barriers and a lack of connections.  They are often overpowered by natives… though this country showed, that is not always the case.  Those with money, weapons, power and brute force can and often do take.  Take charge, take resources, take advantage, and even take innocence.  But it’s more than just power.  Whether power is used to take advantage or abuse is a result of character.  And often abuse of power is based in fear. The discussion shared at Grand Arbor this past week was rich with evaluation of power, difference, and character.  Even those characters historically seen as benevolent or beneficial did not get off without being held accountable!  It was quite thought provoking and I encourage those who can to join us at the next event the evening of Wednesday the 20^th.

As I spoke with friends about difference this week, so many stories arose.

Some shared about being the object of discrimination and comprehending how that feels to be the one hated for the color of your skin.  I remember being the only white student at a Society of Black Engineers meeting and comprehending the daunting feeling of being the sole person who was different on that easily observed trait of skin color.  I didn’t attend again… though I’m not sure now if it was not wanting to face that feeling or not wanting to feel like an invader.  I know how important it can be to have space where there is unity that feels safe.  I recall 12-step meetings being split into male and female, especially when new people would arrive for a first meeting.  There was controversy about this among the group but many, especially the women, felt it was important as we knew how hard it was to share openly, to be vulnerable, in a mixed sex group.  This was especially difficult if one had been the victim of rape or abuse by the opposite sex.  I imagine today this gets even more complicated as there is such a widening understanding of gender compared with where we were in the last century.

One friend noted a recent posting on FB about being non-racist or anti-racist: https://www.facebook.com/theguardian/videos/10153870551066323/?theater

After which I found this… also quite powerful: https://www.facebook.com/OccupyDemocrats/videos/1042823995810654/?theater

Some of my friends noted how even simple differences in how we interact with the world can create difficulty in relationships.  If one is more talkative and one more quiet, if one is more organized and one more cluttered, if one likes a disciplined approach to resolution and one prefers a chaotic and creative way, all these can make working together successfully more of a challenge.  Aren’t we all more comfortable with our own ways?  Am I the only one who likes being “right”?  I read recently in a new book Living Your Yoga: finding the spiritual in everyday life by Judith Hanson,

“How human of me to want to be right.  How human of you to resist being wrong.”

But I’ve learned that my “right” idea isn’t always the best idea and often, it is more interesting and enlightening to see all sides of an issue.  I’ve learned that our perspectives of the world are skewed by our experience, understanding and position.  And since each of us is an individual, our views of the world are all different, in many ways.  And that is what brings a lot of the joy and beauty to this world.  But, yes, much pain and conflict too.

Yet some shared about experiences of finding hope in situations where people with obvious and potentially overpowering differences were able to transcend them and find joy and brotherhood.  Instead of focusing on the differences, the focus was on the similarities.  Instead of seeing the difference in race or culture, it was acknowledged that everyone was present for a joyful meal and celebration.  When the focus was on the love and comradery, the differences fell aside becoming inconsequential.  What if we could all do this?  Look for the commonality and the shared purpose rather than the ways we worship a higher power or the clothes we wear or how we speak.  Aren’t we all flesh and blood?  All striving to find love and acceptance?  All wanting the best world for ourselves and our children?  All hoping to have enough?

And here is where the fear often arises.  What if I don’t have enough? So we hoard for our family… for our tribe.  We don’t share as much as we could.  What if I run out!?!  It takes me to thoughts of an old scripture (yeah, I had to look this up but I recall it from an epiphany had during my days as a Presbyterian):

For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you?   Matthew 6: 25-30

I’m not so sure about humans being “worth much more” than birds or flowers.  Let’s face it, there’s a high possibility that we will destroy this planet’s ability to support mammals in the next 150 years but the trees will likely happily thrive once we’re gone.  And my preference today is to the idea that the Universe provides all we need… too much negative experience with organized religion.  But God or Universe, Allah or Buddha, Magic, Mother Nature or Random Chance, I find that I am often in possession of all I need, in fact, usually much more than I need.  But that’s a topic for another day.

Though we may be important enough for the Universe to provide, sometimes we also need to realize how inconsequential we can be.  One friend this week shared that he had bullied a girl in grade school and carried guilt with him for years.  At a high school reunion decades later, he sought her out to apologize, only to find that she didn’t remember him!  How often have we carried our own baggage of this sort?  Thinking our actions were so impactful and important, only to find that no one else recalled that thing we said or did?  Many times I have been shocked, in hindsight, by something I did and I wondered how the other person would ever forgive me.  As with my friend above, there are many remembrances that I’ve carried in dread while the other person was oblivious to the concern.

Alternatively, we sometimes do not realize the power we have in the lives of others.  I am certain I have been oblivious in saying or doing something that, to the other, was abhorrent.  While I have no recollection of the event, for them it is a recurring nightmare.  On the other hand, I have also been unaware of times I did or said things, oblivious to their impact, only to have someone tell me years later how important I’d been in their lives.  And I think of the many people who have impacted my life by little things said or done.

So what is to be done?  Should we worry about all we say and do, hoping we have no ill effect?  Or is there something to be said for the idea that we should not worry what others think of us?

I believe there is a middle ground.  Though we may work to live without harming others, inevitably, there will be some who see what we do as harming.  So we can be aware and open to discussion when these things arise.  Rather than denying that we have hurt someone when we are accused, we can ask for more input.  If they are hurt, it likely has more to do with them than us, but our willingness to listen and walk through the situation, seeing it from many sides, may bring the other to a place of understanding which dispels his hurt and anger.

In opening up to review our differences in perspective, we can come to a better understanding of each other.  We can begin to see the world through the eyes of another and help them to see a new way as well.  Each of us can come to a new perspective, more fully informed.  As long as we meet in love, share in hope and listen with an ear for understanding.

Listening

Tags

being nice, communication, family, Listening

Dan & I were invited by a friend to attend a new group on intentional, deep listening this week. I was excited about this group because I thought it would be similar to the experience I had during unprogrammed Quaker worship.  In that venue, there is a sitting in silence until the spirit moves someone to speak.  Often, we would spend the entire hour in silence and, even if someone was moved to speak, it was usually only a small portion of the shared period.  I knew this would be more sharing and listening but there would be silent pauses as well and I’m always excited about experiencing something new.

You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.

The night of the event, as Mom and I were preparing dinner, she asked what time we needed to leave and I said that we would need to leave by 6:40.  I was sure Dan was there, but, I would find later, he did not hear this exchange.  We ate dinner and were able to get the cleanup done before 6:30. Dan headed downstairs and I followed.  At 6:37 I mentioned to him that it was about time to go.  At 6:41 I was starting to get very anxious, he was still staring intently into the computer.  At 6:43, I headed towards the door and again said, “It’s time to go.”  Dan said, “Go on out and start the car and I’ll be out in a minute.” As I left the house I said, “You know it starts at 6:50, not 7 o’clock.” (I was definitely exasperated.)

I got the car started and anxiously awaited Dan’s arrival. As he got in the car, he was asking “Why 6:50?” I said I wasn’t sure but he seemed to be really bothered by this as he kept going on about “normal start times” and such.  I was frustrated not understanding why it was a big deal so answered back sharply, “I don’t know. Maybe she’s worried about people showing up on time.  Maybe she wants to give people a chance to settle in before we start. I DON’T KNOW!”  (I’m always the one to escalate the volume.) We argued about this back and forth for a minute or two building in our frustration and anger until we had built a giant snowball and started it down the hill, yelling at each other all the way. At one point I said. “Do you not want to go?!?”  He didn’t say he didn’t want to go but we kept arguing.  (Actually, I asked him this twice and would find out later he started to wonder if I didn’t want him to go.)  At another point I said, “Great! This is exactly how I wanted to go into this meeting.”  This of course only pumped up the bickering. We continue arguing up to the point when we arrived at the building… at exactly 6:50.

The walk up to the building included me letting our host know we’d been fighting all the way there so we probably really need this group!  She gave me a hug and warmly welcomed Dan as I had another sharp comment about how I was giving Dan such a hard time.  (Amazing how I realize when I’m not functioning well but seem helpless to stop doing it and change gear to something more successful.)

Inside, we started meeting new people and trying to break free from the argument but feeling uncomfortable about where we left it. We chatted briefly as we walked to the meeting room and I know we both felt very ill at ease.  You see, Dan and I rarely ever fight or argue.  The last time we fought was at the end of June.  It was before Tom came up to visit for 4^th of July and it was one of the longer fights we had as we continued to not talk it out for a week.  So we only yell like this a couple times a year.  It was disturbing.

The group started a bit after 7 with the final arrivals.  There were readings on listening, sharing and then fellowship.  It was a time filled with peace and good feelings but also questioning and intensity of attention as I listened to others and shared my own thoughts about listening.  I realized a couple things during the meditation portion of the meeting where we took time to write and think on the topic of listening following the readings.

• First, I thought about how when I am hurt, stressed or angry, it becomes impossible to communicate, especially if the one with whom I am sharing is also having any of these feelings.
• And second, while talking, I cannot hear new information or get inputs that could be vital to my understanding.  Thus, I could see how the snowball was created and then pushed down the hill, getting bigger and bigger all the way to the meeting.

I thought through the argument a bit and tried to understand the source of my anger.  And I listened to what was shared during the meeting and remembered that listening is care.  It is an act of love, as Storycorp tells us on NPR.  Listening to another is a gift given and, in the same moment, received. I knew afterward I would ask Dan two questions:

1. Did it bother you that I could be so rageful in the car with you & then so smiley and friendly with the others?  [It bugs me how I can do this.  I get that it’s a change in focus and I normally am super smiley and friendly, but it feels so superficial and false when it occurs in the direct aftermath of conflict with someone I love.]
2. Why didn’t you leave with me when I let you know it was time to go?

Before I could even ask question #2, Dan admitted it was rude to not leave when I originally asked.  When I asked why he didn’t, he explained that he was just trying to get through 3 more emails to clear his account. He only gets a few times during the work week when he can check e-mails and he thought he had 5 more minutes. Leaving at 6:40 was not in his field of expectation.

We talked the whole way home, breaking down all the points where we could now see the communication had failed.
I had indicated to Dan that I thought I told him of the meeting time being 6:50 and, in frustration, Dan had said, “I must not have been listening” to which I retorted, “well maybe you’ll learn something tonight!”  Yes, shitty.  But in part, hopeful that he would! (Of course, that pointing finger has three pointing back to me.)  I admitted that it was clear that this would have come across to him as a slam, as did much of my push back.  I was frustrated and angry that he hadn’t simply agreed to go when my expectation said it was time to leave.

I have always felt that one of the hardest things in life is unmet expectations.  Both of us had our expectations dashed in the moments prior to leaving for the meeting.  And it was obvious we lacked an ability in the moments following to hear each other.

It was timely that we had this listening event and beautiful that we had the love and patience to listen to one another after the argument in order to find understanding.  It was a gift we gave each other.  And we continue to work on this practice.

Listening is a Dance, and the other person Leads.

(Quotes today are from M. Scott Peck and Bfrienders Ministries, respectively.)

For those of you who read to keep up on the Harn progress, we had a super successful weekend due in big part to help from Paul Trumm.  He may tell you he did nothing… as I hear he and Dan commiserated about feeling like they weren’t really doing anything.  But he was a huge help!  With both my hands in muddy gloves, having someone to move all the supplies, constantly spray water and paint fresh clay slip made for huge progress on our Rocket Mass Heater build.  Here’s the latest video. https://youtu.be/8fJ3isGL-K4

Belief + Work = Freedom

Tags

being nice, dreaming, giving kudos, Karma, Rat Race, Rule of 3

Please take a moment to do the Poll at the bottom of this post.           I would love your input. 🙂

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5. We believed. We worked toward our goals. We got me Retired at 45.

No matter what your dream, if you really want it, you can achieve it.  It might take longer than you thought it would… mine did.  It might be harder than you thought, but maybe not.  It might take more sacrifice than you think you can give.  But if this goal is truly important to you, believing and working can get you there.

When Dan and I first came up with this plan to get out of the Rat Race, I hoped to be retired by 2008.  That didn’t work out.  When I took my last job in the Rat Race in 2006, I figured I could make it out by 2011, when I’d be fully vested in my 401k plan at Steel Dynamics (SDI).  In the end, it took a bit longer than I had initially hoped.  But it was much quicker than if we’d not dreamed, not planned, and not worked at all!

People at SDI thought I was crazy, talking about retiring in a few years.  Going on about my “5-Year Plan”.  I’m pretty sure they all thought I was blowing smoke up their butts.  Just talking out of mine.  There were a few people who knew I was serious.  But I think everyone was still shocked when I finally gave them a date.  I think they expected I’d wait until my kid was out of college.  I had a few confidants at work who knew early.  I wanted this to be a smooth transition, not a leaving-them-in-the-lurch scenario, so I worked closely with one of my employees and encouraged another who seemed willing to fill my position to assure SDI would be able to have all the bases covered once I left.

Which brings me to Point #1 in leaving the Rat Race.  I recommend NOT going out in a blaze of glory.  You’ve all seen the YouTube video of the guy who brought the marching band to quit his job, or heard stories of people dropping the bomb and leaving in a big cloud of drama, mistletoe on the back of their pants, all that fun stuff.  But I believe in Karma and, as much as there are always a few people I would love to see get their comeuppance, I don’t really think I can play God and determine when and how they will.  And I believe in the Three-Fold Law:

Ever mind the rule of three,
What ye send out comes back to thee.

So I definitely wanted to do things right.  When I knew I was getting close, I so wanted to give more notice.  But with things not finalizing until the end of July with Dan getting health care benefits at his new job, and my plan for heading to Dancing Rabbit, I couldn’t give much more notice than I did.

Side Story: When I quit my penultimate job, I gave a full month’s notice.  Of course, at that time, I didn’t have another job lined up…  It was that bad.  I was DONE.  Maybe someday I’ll tell that story here.

But I did give SDI 2 weeks notice.  Actually, it turned out to be three weeks, but I took a week of vacation in that last three weeks as well.  And I recommend doing the same if you’re leaving any gig.  I mean the giving-2-weeks-notice thing.  It’s just common decency.  Though the vacation-before-you-head-to-the-next thing is great too, if you can swing it.   There is a chance they will walk you out immediately, and that was a factor in my decision for giving notice when I did.  Our family would be fine if SDI decided to do that, but my boss was super awesome in taking my notice.  He let me decide how the separation would work best for me and, in the end, it worked best for SDI too.  I think he’d learned to trust that I would make sure of that.  And I don’t think he was as surprised as most.  I’d been dropping stronger and stronger hints that they might want to prepare for my departure, without actually saying I was leaving or giving a time frame.  But he is a pretty sharp guy.

The employee I’d taken into my confidence has been able to fully transition them in the time since I left and I have always been willing to answer any calls or e-mails with questions on where things are, how to do tasks or what the heck we’d been thinking when we set up the system the way we did.  It took a bit of my time and, no, they were no longer paying me, but as you might have gathered, in my world, it’s not always about money.  It’s about doing the right thing.  Being happy and helping others to be happy means trying to help where I can.  This keeps other people from losing it when they are trying to figure out all the things you used to do when you were there.  There are so many little things we each do in our jobs that no one really sees until we’re gone.

When I knew it was getting close, I asked Danny, “What am I gonna tell them?”  I hadn’t really been looking for a new job in MN.  I was getting out.  So I wasn’t going to a new company.  I was just leaving my current company.  Danny said, “Tell them you’re retiring… again.”  Yes, actually, I was a retiree once before.  When I left my first job out of college at Inland Steel (at that point they had become ArcelorMittal Steel), they offered me a lump sum pension.  And then I got a letter from the Retirees Club welcoming me to Retirement.  I was 30 years old.  So, in essence, I was “retiring again”.  Once I realized this was really happening, I got giggly about it.  I’m sure it wasn’t as funny to those I was leaving behind but I started to get tickled every time I’d say it.  I kept pinching myself to be sure this wasn’t a real dream, that this was truly real life!

Leaving to nowhere was maybe easier than going to a new job, in which case, my company might have been a bit more cautious and let me go immediately.  Though I have never understood this practice.  I mean, if I’m leaving and I know I’m leaving, then I know I better get all the stuff I want to steal (information, data, contacts, staplers) BEFORE I actually give my notice.  Duh.

Point #2: Be sure you are taking care of you.  I recommend taking care in how much you share as you prepare to leave the Rat Race.  I know I wrote above how I was always going on and on about leaving, and that is a fine tactic.  At least, it worked out okay for me.  But when you get serious and close, don’t ruin yourself by thinking you can share your detailed plans with just anyone.  It probably isn’t a good idea to trust your HR person, even if you are BFFs.  This person has their own ass to cover and, if it ever comes out that they knew beforehand, their job could easily be on the line.  So sharing with them puts them in a difficult position.  Not sharing is really about protecting them.  This is one reason so very few people at my place knew details as I got close to leaving.

Side Concern: What about the employee that worked for me?  Am I not outing her now?  Well, they REALLY need her, so I’m not too worried about spilling the beans.  And as she likes to say, “They need me more than I need them!”  It’s so true. (Yeah, you’re seeing why we got along so well, right?  She’s the Queen of Sarcasm, a Jersey Girl and she knows the ins and outs of ISO system requirements better than anyone there, and better than many outside that plant for that matter.)

Be sure that you have all your ducks in a row, find someone OUTSIDE your work environment to bounce ideas with, and definitely think about what backup plans you might need.  I still have in my mind that, if things get really crazy, I can always go back to work full-time.  I don’t WANT to, but I am willing to, if that is what my family needs.   Most companies these days are not worried about their people as there are lots of other cogs to fill your place if you leave.  So be sure to have what you need in place for the separation and think through to assure that you’ve planned for contingencies moving forward.

And a part of the above includes Point #3: Keep your bridges intact.  Be sure that you maintain your integrity and your relationships throughout the process of moving on.  One of the things I always do when leaving a job is reach out to co-workers, clients and suppliers to let them know how much I appreciated their support, friendship, mentoring, etc.  None of us gets here on our own.  We all have help along the way and it’s good to recognize that.  Usually we only tend to let people know when they have let us down, but I have found great happiness in letting people know when they have impressed me or helped me in a way that was above and beyond the normal call of duty.   I was always one to send a note to someone’s boss when they did a job quickly, very well or with great enthusiasm.  I appreciated people and I think it has helped me get lots more done, especially when I was in a pinch.  And I always did what I could to help other people when I could.  It’s just good Karma.

I had a fellow practitioner of this way of life visit me at the bookstore recently.  We have just re-started Storytime for kids Saturday mornings and she happened to be there at that time.  She noted how pleased she was that we do this and that I had such a great voice.  I explained that I was not reading the story and she said, “Yes, but you made a great announcement at the end and you have a terrific voice.”  Awww!  I was really touched.  It’s not every day that people take the time to tell you something positive but it sure feels good when they do.

Well, I’ve shared in the first few posts the route I took to get to here, Retired at 45.  As I move forward, I’d like to hear from you as well.  Do you like what you’re reading?  What kinds of things would you like to hear about next?  Where are we going to go on this journey together?  Let me know in the poll below.  Or tell me on FB comments.  Or send me an e-mail.  I want to hear from you too. 🙂